The years of 1954 and 1955 passed by in this manner. Taraben and Jyotiben began their sadhna to devote their lives to God. During 1955-1956 Hansa-Didi joined them followed by Deviben in 1959.
In 1957 all our efforts to earn money had deemed fruitless. There wasn’t any business that we could start. Even Kantibhai could not find work. Eventually, Raghunath who used to handle all our transport work when the Agri Orient was prospering employed him. At that time Raghunath used to work for us. Now he employed Kantibhai and paid him Rs. 300 a month. I received a pension of Rs. 250; Chandrakantbhai and Gordhankaka each gave Rs. 200. In this way the total budget for all the expenses of the Tardev household was between Rs. 900 and Rs.1000. There were fifteen of us and we had a continuous stream of guests. There was Kaka’s car, which incurred the expenses for petrol and the driver’s wages. We would give Jyoti Rs.700 per month from which she would have to manage a whole month’s expenses. Mind you, all the family members: Ba, Lalita, Dhami, Kantikaka, Tara, Jyoti, Kamba, Diwaliba, Kamla, Ramesh, Praful, Ghanshyam, Mukund, Vasudev, Dadukaka and Hansa-Didi – always remained cheerful and totally elated that they had found God. No one had ever complained. They humbly accepted whatever, whenever and however they got it. No one had ever felt melancholy or miserable, always remaining cheerful and optimistic. Bapa has never relented in testing us; he has tested us to the limits and in every way possible. Even Ba would go to the wholesale markets as far as Bhaikhala to buy vegetables as it was cheaper, then she would carry them back on the tram. At that time, there was not much mahatmya so no one would come to help. All the chores, i.e. washing clothes, cooking, washing dishes, puja, and satsang work were all done by the benos.
These were difficult times for us when between all of us the total savings amounted to only Rs.1000. In 1957, Chandrakantbhai, Gordhankaka and I went to Gondal to attend the kite festival (utrayan). Bapa had sent a message with Dadukaka saying that Maganbhai of Utwada (Nanjiruda’s guru) had written to Bapa several times asking for money. Bapa said to Dadukaka “Tell Babubhai that I want to give Maganbhai Rs.1000 so when he comes to Gondal, he should bring the utrayan donations with him and send it to Maganbhai”. When Dadukaka told me this, I said “The donations given by muktos for utrayan are for the déri at Gondal, I am simply the courier, hence I cannot give that money to anyone. However, we have our own savings of Rs.1000, we shall give that to Maganbhai”. This time I was determined to please Bapa no matter how He tested me.
Before I left for Gondal I went to see Ba. As I was walking through the alleyway leading to Ba’s house, which was full of pot holes made by rats, my foot slipped and I twisted my ankle. I left Ba and took the Sauvrastra Express to Gondal. I spent the whole night and the next day in the train, reaching Gondal at 2.00 p.m. As my foot had been hanging, it was swollen. Bapa had gone to Rajkot and was going to return that evening. I stayed at the guesthouse. As Bapa was not present, there was hardly anyone at the temple. I decided to do something about my ankle and I applied a paste of salt and turmeric, then bandaged it.
In the evening Bapa returned at 6.00 p.m. and I instantly climbed the stairs to the temple for His darshan. When I was in Bombay, I would live every moment according to Bapa’s wishes. When I came to Gondal or Bapa came to Bombay, I would follow Him everywhere for His darshan and would constantly think of Bapa. Then in the evening when it was time for Bapa’s ukado He said to me, “I would like to speak to you in private, come and have ukado with me”. Normally everyone went to Bapa with their troubles, today Bapa was asking to see me about something that was troubling Him.
Bapa and I sat opposite each other, Bapa said, “This Maganbhai has been pestering me for days and has written several letters to me. I want to give him Rs.1000.” I said, “Yes Bapa, I have the money here. I will send it off tomorrow.” Bapa said, “Send the money from the utrayan donations.” I said, “That money has been donated to the déri but I have Rs.1000 of my own which I have brought with me. I will send that.” Bapa advised me to make sure I get that in writing, I had passed the test of lobh.
Then began the test of my pride. Bapa said “How is everything in Tardev?” I replied “Everyone is well, and happy. No one has any complaints.” Bapa said “Even so, if there is any problem – tell me”. I told him that there were no problems and everything was just fine. Looking down at my ankle Bapa asked what had happened. I told him that it was fine but he noted that it was bandaged so there must be something wrong and insisted I tell him. I said “I slipped and sprained my ankle slightly but it is fine now. Didn’t I just climb the steps of the temple with you?” Bapa seemed pleased with this answer. I had passed the test of déha (attachment to physical body). Bapa then asked, “Is there anything else you would like to tell me?” I told him that there was nothing else and that everything was fine. In this way Bapa had interrogated me regarding our welfare but I made no complaints. Bapa was pleased. In His full divine splendour He placed his hand over my heart and blessed me saying “Swami Shreeji akhand réhéshé” – blessings which meant – God will always be with you.
After that, towards the end of 1958 we went to Atladra. At that time we used to provide Harshadbhai and Darbar with Rs. 200 each. Harshadbhai and Dadubhai were totally engaged in the work of the satsang and were therefore unable to earn a living themselves. We asked Bapa to do something regarding Harshadbhai and Bapa arranged for Harmanbhai, Jasani and C.T. Patel of Africa to donate this money every month.
Mahendrabhai went to ask Bapa if he and Kantibhai could set up a transport business together. Bapa approved and gave His blessings. A transport company called ‘Sarveshwar Transport’ was set up. Mahendrabhai provided two lorries and we bought the other two. Kamla had personal savings of Rs.16000 which she had secretly set aside. She gave us this money which was so useful that it was ‘as sweet as honey’ at the time. We bought one lorry with this money and so the Transport Company began trading in 1959. The company prospered and our financial worries ceased. In this way Bapa tests our beliefs, if we pass the tests he trusts us with His work.
The period between 1950 and 1952 was utilised to bring “down to earth” the murti-dharaks, who had been flying high before Bapa began to purify their souls. This purification of the souls could only be achieved once a single-minded conviction in God had been established. Prior to this, due to the stage of savikalpa nischay the soul would be unable to endure this process and might reject the satsang. Thus the process of purification of the chitta and nirvikalpa nischay can only be achieved once the soul has made a firm conviction to God. This extremely difficult feat could not have been achieved by a lauvkik person but only by a powerful Gunatit Brahm Swaroop because it was impossible to try and stop those who were used to utilising their powers for their own wishes.
Yogiji Maharaj attempted an extremely difficult task which no one in the entire history of the universe had attempted and He accomplished it. The task was to ensure that only the beneficial wishes/desires of a mukta who was in the stage of gurn buddhi – savikalpa nischay were fulfilled. Any other wishes or desires which may harm the mukta should never be fulfilled. Even those muktas who had mystical powers and were considered to be demi-gods were protected by Bapa in this manner. He allowed only those wishes which would enhance their spiritual progress but strictly denied any wishes or desires which would hinder them spiritually. This was made clear to me in 1952 through His grace.
Dadubhai had formed a habit of using his powers to secure business contracts. Once a consignment of goods, which was being shipped to us, was sold off by the captain in Cairo. Dadubhai had to rush off to sort this out. We would all get together to do japyagna in order to fulfil our desires, but Bapa would only allow these to go on before bringing some other difficulty. We continued to do more japyagna and the problems would get sorted until the next instance. In this manner Bapa continued to restrict us and thus a vicious circle continued. There were many instances where this occurred. One such incident was regarding Jyotiben where Bapa only sustained the nishkam sankalpa. It was everyone’s intention that Taraben should be married which would then pave the way for Jyotiben. All the elders made such a sankalpa but it was Bapa’s wish that she should devote her life to God. Taraben challenged everyone and made a sankalpa of her own to do according to Bapa’s wishes which proved fruitful whereas everyone else’s sankalpas remained unaccomplished. This was Bapa’s unique technique of purifying the soul which only a very few muktos could perceive, others could not even begin to understand it. Each followed the satsang according to his belief and understanding. P. Chaganbhai lost his job which was preventing him from progressing spiritually. He made various requests to Bapa to have his job re-instated but Bapa would not concede because it was not in Chaganbhai’s interests. Chaganbhai was deeply hurt as this meant a loss of Rs.1 lakh in salary, which also caused him to have higher blood pressure.
Bapa was very kind and could not bear it if his bhaktos were unhappy so Bapa appointed him as one of the directors of the Agri Orient. Shastriji Maharaj had specifically instructed Dadubhai not to appoint Chaganbhai as director, but Bapa was asking Dadubhai to do just that. Dadubhai would not refuse Bapa but did not accept Chaganbhai as a director either. Dadubhai then told Maganbhai that Shastriji Maharaj had requested him not to allow Chaganbhai to become a director of the Agri Orient, yet Bapa was now asking him to accept him, what should he do? Maganbhai went to see Bapa and said that Chaganbhai would not be a worthy director. Maganbhai asked why Bapa had requested that Chaganbhai be appointed even though Shastriji Maharaj had denied this. Bapa called Dadubhai and asked him strictly why he had told Maganbhai about a matter which was confidential and should have been kept between the two of them. He said “Shastriji Maharaj may have asked you not to appoint him, but at this time I am here and I am asking you to appoint him” – What could Dadubhai say? Bapa’s energy and strength was of such force and it hit Dadubhai so hard that he ended up catching the wrong train. He was on his way to Sabarmati on some errand on behalf of Nandaji, but instead took the Sauvrastra Mail towards Viramgam. Dadubhai instantly began to introspect and asked Bapa for His forgiveness. Bapa was ever ready to forgive, knowing that muktos are muktos and liable to make mistakes. Maharaj being Maharaj should forgive. At Sanand station, where the two trains met someone suggested to Dadubhai to change trains, which he did. It is important that one should be totally surrendered to the Gunatit Swaroop who is present at that time. All His predecessors are working through Him and His word should be taken as gospel.
In 1952 when Bapa granted Dadubhai the experience of Sakshatkar and invoked a single-minded conviction to God; it was also the beginning of sadhna for the rest of us, i.e. P. Ba, Taraben, Jyotiben, Diwaliba, Kamlaba, Kantibhai etc. Shastriji Maharaj had ordered Dadubhai and Kantibhai to set up a business together, work as brothers and never to separate. Hence Bapa had also joined the families together in the process of purifying our souls. Bapa asked us eat and live totally as one family, we had a mutual source of income; the Agri Orient. Prior to this, each had spent money quite freely but as soon as Bapa told us to operate strictly as one household, clashes and conflicts arose. It was through Bapa’s grace that we managed to endure these ‘operations’. However, each one of us had such diverse natures, each dominated by rajogun, tamogun or satvagun characteristics. In this way Bapa created an environment to purify the muktos with such varying characteristics in Tardev, 6D Sonawala Buildings. There were many troubled and trying incidents when, had it not been for Bapa’s grace, we would not have remained together. Nevertheless, even through conflicts, clashes and arguments, we maintained our friendship, harmony and unity. In problems relating to the family or company matters, we would argue between ourselves and resolve the problems without ever involving any outsiders. Mind you, Bapa had severed any associations with outsiders that we might have had. Just as it was between 1966 – 1970 in Gunatit Jyot, since the incidents regarding Jyoti and the office, we had always kept our distance from all relatives, not keeping any kind of contact with them. We had totally cut ourselves off from them in every way. It was as though we had been locked in a safe, but we had the support of all the satsangis. There were many satsangis who paid us a lot of attention and considered us to be gnani in order to make us feel important, bolstering our self-esteem. Gordhanbhai who was our soul mate understood how we felt, together with the support of Chandrakantbhai, Ramnikbhai and Popatbhai who allowed us to maintain some pride. Although we were highly respected, only we knew how we felt of the matters that we could not ever speak of. No one would have understood. Everyone would say that you have completed your sadhna; experienced sakshatkar; you are Bapa’s favourites. Although we were in despair who would have believed us and what could we have said? We kept it to ourselves and just prayed whilst Bapa continued his work – pampering us whilst moulding our inner characteristics. No matter how terrible the incidents, Bapa conducted ‘operations’ on our beings in such a way that they were pain-free. On the one hand we were praised and given so much attention and on the other Bapa was chipping away at the smallest particles of pride, ego etc. within us. This purification process continued between 1952 and 1965 at 6D, Sonawala Buildings in Tardev.
In 1961 Bapa initiated santos and they lived at Maneklal’s bungalow. Kaka’s devotees in Bombay served the santos with mahatmya just as the bhaios are doing seva here. This gave them the strength to endure the purification of déhabhav. Then the santos were moved to the temple at Dadar. At that time I was the treasurer. As I had a satvik nature, I ensured the accounts were kept accurately. I was totally surrendered and felt I would do anything for these santos. Everything we had accumulated was taken and donated to the temple at Dadar. I gave my entire collection of books etc to the temple and felt as though there was unity between us. The service of the santos was the highest accolade.
In 1962 Bapa started the final test in which I recognised my anga. At the temple of Dadar there were two types of muktos; one in which mahatmya was predominant and the other in which gnan was predominant. Bapa began his test where the muktos had differing angas. I kept the accounts as accurately as a bank would have kept them so that should anyone ever ask me to show them, I could do so at any time. I was inspired by Gandhiji who had said that in work relating to the public one must always be very accurate or face harsh consequences. I kept this principle at the forefront of my mind and as I was devoted to the service of Bapa, I kept the accounts according to the rules laid down by Bapa. Bapa said, “How can we test him now?” It was Bapa’s instruction that I should accept Rs. 65,000 as donations from various muktos but should not issue them with receipts. This money was to be used according to instructions from Bapa and the committee. Bapa took advantage of this situation to test me. In that year Bapa spent one day at each of the suburbs between Borivali and Churchgate which included Kandivali, Malaad, Khar, Parla, Andhéri, Gorégaon, Matunga etc. Wherever Bapa went for padhramni in these suburbs, Bapa would say, “Give all your donations to Babubhai. Let it be understood that he will not issue you with a receipt”. This was Bapa’s agna and I collected all the donations without receipts, but made a note of them. As Bapa needed further donations, He wrote to the haribhaktos in Gujarat asking them to send bank drafts of Rs. 2,000, 3,000 etc. to Babubhai. Driven by my intellect, I said to Bapa that by accepting donations without giving receipts we were going against the Shikshapatri. There were many who were just waiting for us to make such mistakes. Bapa said, “Everyone will support an innocent person, it is a virtue to support a satsangi who is at fault”. I gathered that Bapa was planning something and I thought: “Let him bring whatever He will”.
Bapa was always compassionate, and gave hints through someone when He was about to test me. Thus if one wants to achieve happiness, peace and bliss in this satsang one should have a close friendship and act with mahatmya with other devotees. Jyoti, Ba and I followed this principle and found sadhna very easy-going. If ever we felt even slightly uneasy, we were still able to endure it, as we would have been prepared for it, we would think this was for the best and tolerate it.
One day in 1962 I went to visit Mahant Swami at the temple in Dadar. Dadubhai, Harshadbhai and I took it in turns to give spiritual discourses to the young santos and they respected us. Mahant Swami thought highly of me and would not do katha to me. I too respected Mahant Swami and looked up on him as a friend. I sat in front of him and began praying deeply. If one humbly prays then Maharaj would inspire anyone to give an answer to one’s problems. In order to test my sincerity and patience, Mahant Swami said nothing for ten minutes and I just sat praying. Then he spoke and although I cannot remember everything, one sentence struck me deeply and has been ingrained in my mind ever since. He said “Once one has accepted Bapa as the all-inspiring entity then to make any kind of excuses to save oneself is itself a form of pride” – Bachav karvo té man ché. After this incident, I always remembered this statement.
In the incidents that followed, I did not make any excuses to save myself, I prayed, remained calm and simply watched as a witness. There were accusations that I was falsifying the accounts, stealing the money and running my car on the money from the donations etc. etc. The person involved in spreading these rumours would ask the haribhaktas if I had issued them with a receipt for the donations. As I had not, he would say, “There you are. He is stealing the money.” When I heard these rumours and asked who was spreading them, I found that the person spreading these nasty rumours was, in fact, a member of our committee. I had even shown him the accounts books and he had approved them. But Bapa was using him as an instrument and as he was a member of the committee, everyone believed him. I thought to myself that had this been someone other than a committee member, I could have shown them the accounts books and proved my innocence but I realised that Bapa was behind this and let the matter rest. Mind you, if I had wanted to, I could have shown the accounts books to the whole sabha at Dadar and asked them to check them to see if anyone’s donations had not been entered. This would have brought an end to the rumours, I would have proved my innocence and in the eyes of world I would have won. But in spiritual terms or in the eyes of Bapa I would have lost because I would have made excuses to save myself. Bapa would have had to repeat the whole process to purify that part of me. I wanted to pass this test first time round and with full marks so I did not make any excuses and allowed the rumours, which affected my reputation, to continue. Bapa would inspire everyone to come and tell me about the rumours, those who were close to me would ask for my permission so that they could go and refute these accusations. However, I was determined not to make excuses to save my reputation and also to ensure that those who were closely attached to me did not take abhav of the person being used by Bapa. This was a tense and stressful period for me.
Eventually, Bapa arranged a parayan at Rambagh, which seemed to be the finale of the purification of my whole being. The evening before the parayan, a committee meeting had been arranged at Chaganbhai’s house. Kaka and I were questioned at length regarding the donations, accounts and expenses. They would not believe anything we said. They asked to see the accounts books, which had been sent to Gujarat for auditing. When we told them this, they did not believe that either. One member insulted us and started swearing. We just remained calm and prayed. We had to make sure that our feelings were not hurt, that we did not take abhav or feel hostile towards him but agreed to whatever he said.
We would never have mentioned this to anyone but Ghanshyam (who was quite young at the time) and Mahendrabhai had accompanied us there and when Ghanshyam went home, he told everyone what had happened. Then Maneklal felt that we (Dadubhai and I) had been treated very unfairly. He felt that we were being accused for something we had not done and on the day of the parayan he told Bapa. Bapa called me and asked me to do the pujan of all the committee members (including the ones who had insulted me). This I duly did before the parayan commenced. Later Bapa got up to visit the bathroom. There He sat on a desk and asked Maneklal to call us. Dadubhai and I went to Bapa and sat by his lotus feet. Bapa said “How do you feel?” I said “I realise that you are instigating this whole incident, hence I do not feel anything. But in order to ensure that I do not even feel the slightest hostility towards those you use as instruments, I have to be alert which is making me very tense as I am determined to pass with a mark of 100 %.” Nodding his head in approval Bapa said “Yes, I agree. You have passed with 125 %”. In this way He showed that He was pleased and gave me strength to endure. He granted me the qualities which ensured that my satvik anga could not become a liability and I could not take abhav of any satsangis.
By the time the segregation of the sanstha took place, my soul had conquered everything and my whole being had been purified. Hence I was not affected by it at all. I realised that Bapa was had caused the segregation and thus I remained tranquil and did katha accordingly to my devotees to help them get through this period without difficulties.