During my college days, when I went home, I would fill Dada’s pipe for him. My principle was that whatever I did, I would do openly, without concealing anything. My uncle suppressed and killed his desires (vruti), thereby becoming very ill and he eventually died. I decided that I would never suppress the urge to do something that I wished and would do whatever I deemed necessary at the time. My actions concerning other aspects of my life; studies, home-life etc. were flawless. While I was at school, Shankarbhai had stressed the importance of a good character. Since then reading had been a very important source for me; whenever I read something, which I considered helpful in moulding my character, I would make a mental note of it and it would be imprinted in my memory.
Once such principle which has been imprinted in my mind since childhood is:-
“Shréya hoi témaj karvu.
Préya sayammit rité
Shérya né nukshan na thay tévu rakhvu né aacharvu”.
Meaning: Always do what is in your best interests and in moderation that which you would rather do by choice. Always ensure that your actions are not detrimental to that which is beneficial.
I applied this principle in all my social dealings. From the beginning my self-discipline was such that my emotions and senses were in my control. I adopted those beliefs which seemed advantageous to me.
During my college days when I came home, Dada used to smoke the pipe. I also smoked but was at first embarrassed to do so in front of Dada. Gradually I acquired a small pipe of my own and would smoke in the company of my grandfather after supper.
Mahatma Gandhi’s book “Nitinashné Margé” had a great influence on me. One of the points that Gandhiji stressed was that one should not waste time and energy in pondering over useless information but should only focus on what is of consequence and advantageous. One should appreciate beauty etc. only if it is beneficial (fatél ankhé farvu nahi, parn dus foot dur najar rakhi chalvu. Roop vagéré shréya hoi toj ané tétluj jovu). During my schooldays I had only seen one or two movies. I cannot quite remember, but due to a shortage of money I was unable to indulge in such luxuries. My passion was reading books. This became my hobby and supported me in remaining happy and content. To ponder over positive thoughts and reflect upon them became a normal part of my life. I often turned to the writings of Kanayalal. A maxim in his writings was that “It is better to have lived humbly than to be dependent on others having lost one’s wealth.” From Nanalal’s works I admired the characters of Jaya-Jayant. I liked the melancholy poems written by Kalapi. I enjoyed the garbas composed by Botadkar. I appreciated the soap operas written by Ramanlal depicting many common characteristics that I liked to study. I enjoyed the works of Sharadbabu, which were always written in minute detail.
At that time there was a great feeling of patriotism in the country and the importance of independence. However, I found difficulty in comprehending Gandhiji’s philosophy of non-violence thus I did not join in. I liked Lenin of Russia. I had read all the literature written on the subjects of Bolshevism and Communism. Looking at the state of India at that time, I felt that the root of all evils were the rules governing the caste system, the old-fashioned thinking and superstition. In addition the class barrier was the root of all the problems as it allowed the wealthier sector of society to gain at the expense of the poorer. I admired the ideas inherent in Bolshevism, which would eradicate poverty. There was a distinct feature in my character. It was my original nature to assess and verify the probability of the success of accomplishing whatever task I undertook to do with my own strengths and resources. I would consider all angles and would only continue if I was convinced that it would be successful. Once I had commenced I would be determined to complete the task and would not give up until I had done so.
As repaying the family’s debts was my main consideration, I did not get involved in politics and could not spend time taking part in activities such as going to cinemas. One’s duty should take priority over one’s affections – “Bhavna sé kartavya badhtar hé”. I had adopted this ideal from Bharat Milap – an episode from “The Ramayana”
During my youth, I was free from infatuation with women, wealth and fame, which helped me to live according to the principle mentioned above.
I idolised Ramchandraji and his relationships with his family and applied the same principles in my relationships with my father, mother, brother, sister, wife and son. I fulfilled all my family obligations. It seems I loved my brother more than the other members of my family. I was obsessed with my ideal, whatever that was at the time. I was determined to fulfil my duties and obligations. That was my aim.
I believed in applying the same principle even in the worship of God. Although I was knowledgeable I was not totally devoted to Shastriji Maharaj or anyone else. I would say to Sarabhai, Diwaliba and Maniben “First leave the children in an orphanage, free yourselves from responsibility, then commit yourself to the life of the satsang”. Just as Shastriji Maharaj lives every moment of his life for his sanstha, so I lived my life for my family. Each of us has a duty which must be fulfilled satisfactorily. Although I had no faith, I would do whatever my mother, sister, father requested of me because of my love for them.
I had a good understanding of how one should lead a spiritual life, hence I used to say “I would not engage myself in the activities of the satsang until I had detached myself from the family and had completed my obligations towards them. Then I would consider what I should do and how I should live my life.” This I discovered from all the books I had read. I was aware that when I became devoted to God, if some slight attachment remained for my wife, wealth or family, the first blow would be to that attachment. At that time I was unable to endure such a blow and made a conscious effort to keep my distance. I practised the principles of social and charitable work in Mombasa, giving free tuition to the children of the Patel Samaj. A few colleagues assisted me with this work and I also did some voluntary work at the public library. It was only later that I realised that this was not a selfless act but served to inflate my ego. In the same way, in 1941, reading some literature I came across the following: – “Annihilate the Ego and He will be there purifying your activities”. Meaning dissolve your Ego and God will make himself known to you.
I carried out my duties as a teacher, believing that God was present in each and every one of my forty students. I spent three or four hours of my own time preparing notes for the following day’s lessons. I marked their homework and worked hard. I made the subject that I taught interesting and gained the respect of my students’ parents. I was considered to be a good, ideal teacher. I was given the title of a “supreme teacher”. This gave me great delight, believing that I was being charitable and selfless in carrying out these duties. My friend Jethabhai said to me “The tree can only be chopped down by an axe, and it is ironic that the handle of the axe is made of wood. In the same way you have betrayed us by giving free tuition to the students. You are the wooden handle of the axe chopping down the tree of our livelihood by giving free tuition. Why are you so adamant about this?” But I did not heed him at the time.
Even on a very low income I had to uphold my standards and live according to my principles. As this was during the war, I had to buy the basic foodstuffs such as rice on the black-market which were mostly unaffordable. I could not charge for the tuitions, so I could not continue living according to my principles. In 1941, Dadubhai went abroad to complete his education and I returned to India. I left Kamla (Mummyji) in Nadiyad and came back to Mombasa. At that time, I used to give tuitions at the Patel Samaj and take part in badminton tournaments. I was the badminton champion. I used to eat my meals at “The Lodge”. My bhabhi insisted that I eat at her house. I started to do this but soon discontinued because I found that I would have to keep to their times. I was a little independent and would sometimes be early or late and my bhabhi would nag me. I therefore decided against eating at her house and returned to “The Lodge” for my meals whilst living in the teachers’ quarters.
In 1939, my father (Sarabhai) died. When the telegram arrived I was teaching in school. My elder brother (Chunibhai) who was very upset called me out of the class to inform me about the tragedy. Then he went home. Even though I too was deeply affected, I regained my composure and carried on teaching until the mid-day break. I could not leave as there were quite a few teachers absent that day.
After 1945 I became free of all monetary worries and my responsibilities toward my family had ended. I was unsure about what I should do with my life and life became a drudgery. I was free of the panchvishays of Man, Swad, Snéh, Lobh or Kam for which I might have had to be diligent. I must have had a little Man (pride) as I did give up the tuitions and started to do charitable work such as working in the public library. I worked as the library secretary. From my extensive reading I had decided that only the seva granted by God would be Nishkam. Whatever is decided by oneself as the ideal goal is satvikta hence I did not get involved anywhere. Therefore according to my understanding of ‘Annihilate the Ego and He will be there’ I started reading Shri Arvind’s interpretations of ‘Gitaji’, and I began my efforts to attain God. Shri Arvind also wrote ‘Purify your activities and He will be there’, which I also tried to follow. Then In 1945 – Mummyji came to Mombasa and so commenced my married life.